What to Expect When You're Adopting

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What are we getting into adopting an older child with absolutely no knowledge of how he came to be, first in an orphanage  and then in a foster home with parents he does not particularly like? He's likely to bear some emotional and possibly physical scars from ordeals we can only guess at.

We have some information to go on, but how reliable it may be is anybody's guess.

The orphanage has provided health and growth reports and information about his eating and elimination habits. We had that information about our daughters, too. It proved to be, if not untrue, then at least out of date. In any event, it's more useful to have that information for an infant who is unable to communicate its needs articulately.

We have a finding report that indicates he was abandoned at the age of 3. That alone is hard to fathom,  both for  a parent and from the point of view of a child. Our girls, abandoned when they were no more than a few weeks old,  (or so we were told) must have been terrified to be alone, perhaps in the dark, maybe in a crate or box, crying for a mother they had only known for a few days. I know that early horrors have left their marks on them, as much as I wish otherwise. Someone found them and after police checks they were delivered to the nearest Social Welfare Institute, as China calls the places where children and sometimes the elderly are cared for by the state. Or so we were told. It's likely the stories were more complicated, and it's possible they involved wrongdoing beyond crimes of the heart.

Why does it seem more frightening and horrible to have been abandoned at TJ's age? What circumstances could have led his birth parents to turn him out -- or leave him in a crowd, or take money from a stranger for their son? How desperate were they after knowing the child, watching his personality develop? How must it have been for him to stand on a corner or in a park or the street, crying in fear or waiting stoically for someone to return? Somehow the idea of being 3, an age from which we have some clear, conscious memories (and if we are Jiejie, we remember enough to tell our mother quite matter-of-factly that though she talks a good game about believing in "time-ins"instead of "time-outs" there was a time, at least once and probably twice, when Jiejie was 3, that mom made her stand in the dining room with  "that white timer ticking" and went into the kitchen.) makes it worse. Is it even possible for one abandonment to be worse than another?

At 3, (if indeed he was 3, and not 2 or 4) he would know his worst fear had come true and that he was alone. Does he have conscious memories of that day? Of the people in his life before that day? What went on inside this little boy as he became a seemingly obedient resident of an institution who learned to make his own bed and wipe down the dining table? Does he know his life is different than that of children with permanent families? In his foster home, does he know something is missing in his life?

We have so many questions, and it's likely that only a few have accessible answers.

In the meantime we have dispatched a letter, some matchbox racers, a toothbrush with a Hot Wheels car on the handle, neon Gummi worms, a puzzle of the states and some photos of us, the house, snow, and other unremarkable details of the life that awaits him. Also enclosed are two maps printed out showing the way from Guangzhou, China, to the United States. I used Google Maps, excising from the printout the word "Google," not wanting to ruin anyone's day in China, and the detailed directions, first in Chinese then in English, that guide the traveler to the sea and then advise: Kayak across the Pacific Ocean.