No matter how prepared you may think you are, no matter how many books you have read or parenting classes you have taken, you are never really prepared. Especially when it comes to children. TJ has zigzagged from joyful little boy to raging, screaming ... um ... well, he Chinese word he uses for himself, and I hesitate to repeat it here, is "monster" or "ghost."
His latest tantrums were at a noodle restaurant, where he made loud demands of the staff, and at a small grocery store, we he sat down in front of the ice cream freezer (wearing his Batman suit again) curled up into a ball and wailed for 40 minutes when we told him "yi ge bing chi lin" (one ice cream) per day was sufficient.
His behaviors are not unusual for a child who is afraid, confused and unused to family living. When our friend Ping, who is traveling with us for part of the trip, asked him to share with his sisters, he told her he did not understand the word.
Daddy and I are being very patient, and so are Jiejie and Meimei, but last night's screaming in the store got them scared. No lure, including that ice cream would get him off the floor.
We're getting used to the reproving stares of Chinese people. I'm finally understanding that it's not that they think we are cruel to our kids but rather that we are too soft. Finally a brawny Canadian came in with his Chinese wife. He suggested that Daddy pick up the 50-pounder and haul him back to the hotel. "Show him who's boss," he said, and gave us his business card with a photo of a much younger man promising a variety of seminars on such topics as Global Crisis Management. And so Daddy took his advice, peeled the wailing masked Batman from the floor, slung him over his shoulder and carried him out and back toward the hotel, drawing approving smiles from Chinese passersby and a lollipop from a woman who stood by to watch the drama. Daddy put TJ down for a momentary rest. He tried to bolt. When grabbed him and he flung himself down on the streetcorner. The girls have never seen their gentle dad behave quite so aggressively. I took them back to the hotel and Daddy followed behind with his kicking screaming superhero. who threw off his shoes and socks on the way. Haley, our new au pair, who had spent the day trying to soothe TJ and reason with him, was with us. She calmly collected his belongings. Thank heaven for her psychology degree!
Once we were back in the room, we called Susan, the local representative of our adoption agency. She came to visit and had a long talk with TJ. Susan is a cheerful, energetic Chinese mom of an adopted child. She is a pretty good guide, but a truly gifted Pied Piper. She knelt to his level and told hm how much we loved him no matter what, that we were his forever family, the same things we had been telling him ourselves and through Ping and Haley. She pantomimed a lot of the conversation. He was enraptured. She asked him to try to be quieter, and when he felt frustrated or wanted to scream or thought we did not understand, he could call Ayi Susan. We showed him how to dial her room on the hotel phone. Most amazingly, TJ did not talk back to Susan or tell her hated her or even try to use his considerable talents as a debater to argue with her or call her a liar. She was gentle and kind throughout, talking to TJ as if to a baby. When she was through, she told us one of his friends who lived in a foster home near his and who is physically much smaller and mentally exceptionally imaginative, has been telling him some stories. That he will get shots at the doctor that will kill him, and other charming ideas. Apparently this tiny little lad used to beat him up. Susan is going to try to get us more info on his history to see if that helps. More to come ....
I'm enjoying reading about your growing family.
ReplyDeleteMarge